i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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