So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Rumble strips road head = magical
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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