omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
