i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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