you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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