I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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