Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
