Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
