Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
