Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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