You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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