Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
