just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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