I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
