Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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