Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
