why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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