You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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