I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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