I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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