tequila makes me forget i have legs
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize