there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
