Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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