I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
