a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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