so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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