The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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