remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
