i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
