Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
