I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
