i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize