I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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