Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
