wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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