She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
