girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
