I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
