The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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