there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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