This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize