hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
