I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
