my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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