Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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