Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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