And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
