so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize