he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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