I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
