I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Small penises have feelings too.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
