actually, I'm a sock model
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
