Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize