omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
