I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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