Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
