I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
