whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
