He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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