i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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