you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
