I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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